Those of you who know me in real life know that my job situation is a bit tenuous right now. Suffice to say that my employment for the next school year is out of my hands. And even though I don't have to worry about money until September, I worry anyway.
I hate money.
I am not good at managing it.
You know how in high school there was that one kid that was really smart but could never seem to get his or her projects done on time?
That was me.
I procrastinate on just about everything possible. Laundry? Down to my last pair of underpants. Dishes? Piled precariously in the sink. Dentist? What dentist? Bills?
I, the control freak, handed them over to Boy.
I consider myself to be a responsible person. Heck. I look after children for seven hours a day. I like to think that I'm fairly trustworthy and reliable person.
Except when it comes to paying bills. And because marriage is about choosing to be with a Real Person for the rest of his/her life, I had to be honest with Boy about that.
And in turn, be honest with you. Honesty was not always a part of my life. Years ago, when I first met Boy, I wasn't so honest. When I would back myself into a tight corner, especially if it dealt with money, I would lie.
In the Shopaholic series of books the protagonist, an otherwise successful girl, would max out her credit cards and then hide her bills. And as I read those books, my pulse would race. I would glance at the drawer in my room where I had hidden bills of my own. Shh.... if you can't see them, you don't have to pay them. Right?
Wrong, of course. So inevitably it would all catch up with me, and I would spin some story to get out of it. I was constantly on edge, but everything always seemed to work out.
Until Boy: one of the very few people in my life who saw right through me. And called me on it.
So I don't lie anymore. Really. Almost never, not even little white lies. I don't back myself into corners because I'm honest with Boy about who I am- who he's really marrying. I try to own my mistakes when I make them. I'm working hard to take on bill paying responsibilities (a personal quest!).
What's bugging me now is that I feel like if I have everything under control and I'm still being honest, things should be working out better. Maybe that's foolish. I'm a very lucky person, and I know that.
But this part of my life that is out of my control, the job part, the part that I love but isn't falling neatly into place... it's making me nervous again. And I can't even hide it away in a drawer.