Friday, April 24, 2009

Chapter 72: Confessions of a Control Freak

Those of you who know me in real life know that my job situation is a bit tenuous right now. Suffice to say that my employment for the next school year is out of my hands. And even though I don't have to worry about money until September, I worry anyway.

I hate money.

I am not good at managing it.

You know how in high school there was that one kid that was really smart but could never seem to get his or her projects done on time?

That was me.

I procrastinate on just about everything possible. Laundry? Down to my last pair of underpants. Dishes? Piled precariously in the sink. Dentist? What dentist? Bills?

I, the control freak, handed them over to Boy.

I consider myself to be a responsible person. Heck. I look after children for seven hours a day. I like to think that I'm fairly trustworthy and reliable person.

Except when it comes to paying bills. And because marriage is about choosing to be with a Real Person for the rest of his/her life, I had to be honest with Boy about that.

And in turn, be honest with you. Honesty was not always a part of my life. Years ago, when I first met Boy, I wasn't so honest. When I would back myself into a tight corner, especially if it dealt with money, I would lie.

In the Shopaholic series of books the protagonist, an otherwise successful girl, would max out her credit cards and then hide her bills. And as I read those books, my pulse would race. I would glance at the drawer in my room where I had hidden bills of my own. Shh.... if you can't see them, you don't have to pay them. Right?

Wrong, of course. So inevitably it would all catch up with me, and I would spin some story to get out of it. I was constantly on edge, but everything always seemed to work out.

Until Boy: one of the very few people in my life who saw right through me. And called me on it.

So I don't lie anymore. Really. Almost never, not even little white lies. I don't back myself into corners because I'm honest with Boy about who I am- who he's really marrying. I try to own my mistakes when I make them. I'm working hard to take on bill paying responsibilities (a personal quest!).

What's bugging me now is that I feel like if I have everything under control and I'm still being honest, things should be working out better. Maybe that's foolish. I'm a very lucky person, and I know that.

But this part of my life that is out of my control, the job part, the part that I love but isn't falling neatly into place... it's making me nervous again. And I can't even hide it away in a drawer.

6 comments:

Crys said...

The lucky part is that you have a loving partner who will always be there to help you out. That's his job! And friends to support you too, of course. In a few years you will totally settle at a wonderful school district that realizes it is lucky to have you and pays you likewise. I know this to be true. :)

Tiantian said...
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Tiantian said...
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Tiantian said...

Just thought I'd say hello. I love your blog. You have so many inspiration boards! I would love to know where some of the pictures, stuff are from. I'm also a Penn State grad, going for a philadelphia wedding. Top venues were pretty much the same ones as you, Celebrations(super cheap on a saturday afternoon but hate it), and Fonthill (pretty but expensive). After 5 months of engagement still no venue. Just depressed now, let me know if you have any advice.

Tiantian said...

Totally just checked out our fiance's blog. My fiance is also 24 and a PSU IT grad working in IT consulting. We are in DC though.

Sezzy said...

How funny! Thanks for stopping by!

You can find out where all of the pictures on the boards are from by going down to the carosel at the bottom of the page. Clicking on any board there will take you to Polyvore.

As far as reception venues go, we didn't spend long looking down here before we realized that we really wanted a PSU wedding. But we recently got a tempting flier from the William Penn Inn that looked nice. Try not to be discouraged!